It’s intense business when you pour out your heart in your blog. It’s hard. It’s raw. It opens up feelings that you didn’t think you’d feel and then you wonder are you being too vulnerable, so you think you should pull back- but then you wonder if that actually helps anyone, so you don’t. And you leave it out there for the world to view, praying that you’re ok.
Yesterday’s post was really hard for me to write. Of course, I had to write this follow-up.
I wanted to keep going with my thoughts. No, not the guilt-laden, “omg, my drudgery will never end” thoughts, but how I help myself deal with them. Let me preface this with this:
I am NO WHERE NEAR where I want to be as a parent. I want to be a better mom by leaps and bounds. I struggle, sometimes daily, particularly with depression and anxiety and feelings of incompetency. There is so much that I want to do and so much I want to be for my children. This is how I cope. If you are struggling with any of the aforementioned problems, I beg you- please, talk to someone who won’t judge you. Let them know and work on a plan to get through it. I don’t want to give you the (very) false impression that I’m some sort of Sister Superchristian who has her crap together. No where near that chick.
“My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.” -PS 121:2
Ok, great, Heather. You mentioned that yesterday. So? What help? This isn’t one of those “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” crap blogs, is it?
Ha, no! Sweetcheeks, God gives you WAY more than you can handle so you can learn to rely and trust in him. True story. Right now, my ex husband is over $14,000 behind in child support. I’m trusting in God to help me get through this, considering I was just let go from work (after having a baby and not coming back fast enough. For the record, she’s not yet 4 months old). They said I’d have a job when I wanted to come back, but the logistics of being able to feed her is something I have to work out. Oh, and my husband retires next year from the Army and will be in school full time. All I can do is trust that God had our backs and will provide for us. And I can plan ahead like an ant for winter.
Ok, but how do you renew yourself? How do you not blow your top when you’re in the bathroom with the kids banging on the door like they’re The Walking Dead extras? Honestly, I grab a cup of coffee (shocker, I know.) and I sit on my front porch under my ceiling fan and on my swing, and I crack open my bible to a few choice scriptures.
Isaiah 40:31 for starters. “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”
Cool. Translation? It’s not in our timing, but God’s and when we realize that we can’t make everything happen when we want but when we wait in God’s timing, we won’t wear ourselves out. When we as children obey our parents, we would get good things- the same principle is here.
I also go to the part in Luke about Martha and Mary and Martha’s decision on what is most important. There are times (often, who am I trying to kid here?) that I get bogged down in the things that I have to do, and things that “have” to get done, that I don’t see the forest for the trees. I don’t take the time to listen to Nate tell me the difference between a therapod and a sauropod and why the Jurassic differed from the Triassic or the Cretaceous (no really- he’s known that since he was 3!) or how Ziva’s hair sparkles like golden threads in the sunlight. All because I’m more concerned with the dishes, or laundry or scrubbing the floor.
Now, I’m not saying they’re not important things to do, but are they MORE important in this moment?
I can’t tell you how much I can’t stand hearing the same story repeated about how Sofia the First has a talking bunny or how all the horses in Equestria just LOVE Princess Celestia and they want to go to Ponyville to be with Twilight Sparkle. Now, I love their imaginations and I want to be a part of that. Not at the expense of my sanity, though.
But back to Martha and Mary. Jesus told Martha that she was too attentive to details that don’t matter. What mattered was listening to him and taking it in. Everything else would get done. And of course they did.
But that brings me to another point about moms (and I KNOW I’m not the only one here that does it!). Guys- er, girls in this case- we can NOT over-schedule ourselves. We will only screw ourselves in the end. Show of hands- who else feels like a failure when you don’t get your entire impossible list of things done? No? Just me? Riiight.
Ladies hear this now and please- take it to heart.
YOU WILL NEVER BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE AT ALL TIMES OF THE DAY. Did you hear me? You can’t. You’re not designed that way and that’s why you feel the way you feel.
So my suggestion to us women is stop trying to make ourselves crazy and just rest. There really is something to be said for rest. It’s healing. If you break your arm, you have to rest it so it can be used once it fixes itself. It’s the same with our spirit. We can’t just “walk it off”, we need to rest and care for ourselves.
Maybe we won’t hate motherhood so much if we didn’t try to do everything on our own the way our current society expects us to.
Until next time, Dearies.